Smoker Hysteria
by Redhead Turk
Summary: Another one in HYSTERIA series. This time... it's Cid. What would happen when Cid comes across all the Valenwind fics? What would happen to poor Sierra? Please RR! Rated T for Cid's mouth and all the hard action eww going on...


Okay… after studying nonstop for 36 hours (NOT KIDDING… well I did eat), my brain's haywire. Also owing to Lord Divestre Croft (love your name)'s request, here it is…

Smoker Hysteria

Sierra usually paid no attention to Cid's less than exemplary use of the language. After all, you could only keep thinking about it for the first couple of weeks, then your ears kind of got used to it. She came to not hear the random insertions of !#U( and automatically take them out from the sentences as she talked to him.

But not today.

Well, actually, it was the decibel that caught her attention first. It was Sunday morning, peaceful, the birds were chirping, and she was drinking tea and reading Better Homes and Gardens in a comfy chair when it started. First she didn't realize it; but then it got so loud that the birds flew away, glasses shattered, and mothers ran around trying to cover their children's ears. It was that bad.

"WHAT THE !(# IS THIS!" Crash. "I AIN'T A (I(ing HOMO!"

It was REALLY LOUD. Sierra placed the magazine on the coffee table, and strolled over to Cid's room, noticing that the floors were vibrating as Cid screamed and shouted profanities to the entire planet, Aeris (who was the Lifestream now, and therefore afforded no privacy to the entire planetary population), and to…

The computer, apparently.

Sierra was a non-expressive woman, but this clearly puzzled her to such extent that she had a curious expression on her face. She quietly entered the room. "Uh… Cid?"

"WHY THE !) AM I !($ing HIM! I'M GONNA KILL THIS CHICK! I'M GONNA RUN HER THROUGH WITH MY SPEAR, DAMNIT! MY !#$ IS SHRIVELING UP!"

"Cid…?"

Her voice was swallowed by his shouts. She finally tapped on her shoulder, and ducked as he swung his fist straight at her.

"Cid… why are you… shouting…?" she asked diminutively.

"BECAUSE I'M (#$ING VINCENT."

The confusion silenced the room for a second. Then…

"What?!"

Without reply, he pointed – angrily – at the computer screen. Sierra adjusted her glasses, and took a look at the screen. The screen showed nothing but bunch of words. Specifically, it said "Fanfiction dot net – release your imagination!" The setting was "Final Fantasy VII" – no surprise – and the character was set to "Cid". And Romance.

Romance?!

"I THOUGHT I'D BE SCORING SOME HOT GIRLS," Cid explained in excessively loud voice as he ignored Sierra's dumbfounded expression. "INSTEAD I SCORED VINCENT."

Scored Vincent? She took a further look at it, then understood.

"Vincent shrugged off his red cloak, and unbelted his leather trousers. On a thought, Lucrecia, with all her beauty, never got him turned on as much the blond captain did. It was odd…

After Vincent had shed Cid's boxers he started to prep him, making sure to keep him quiet with his lips while he worked him. He did not want Cid to wake up from his drunk torpor and start swearing, or have the neighbor – AKA Barret – gun the door down with his arm with loud yells of "SHUT UP". This was his chance, and he was going to make use of it.

On a fleeting thought he registered that he tasted of cigarettes and vanilla… it was an odd combination. Why vanilla? He wondered briefly, but the thought melted in the darkness as he slowly advanced…"

"WHY AM I GETTING RAPED BY A !(#&ING VAMPIRE?!" Cid demanded to Sierra, who cringed as the blond captain loomed over her. 

"I…"

"THAT REDHEADED PUNK!"

"What?"

He clicked vehemently on the mouse, and showed a new page. This time, she paled dramatically.

"Reno's aquamarine eyes mischievously sparkled as he slowly observed the tied-up captain. A sly smile came across his thin lips, redder then blood.

"Capt'n Highwind," he drawled, "a real pleasure. I'm sure..."

Cid shouted against his gag, but the voice was lost as the redhead slowly touched his bare chest. It was cold and tantalizing at once, like a snake charmer baiting a snake. Cid felt helpless and aroused at once at the Turk's calculated touch…"

Sierra REALLY didn't need to know the details.

In the faraway city of The Edge, Reno was going onto hysteria as he accidentally stumbled into the exactly same fiction, destroying another laptop – Elena's – and earning another punch from the blonde woman.

"Captain Highwind…"

"WHAT THE (&$ IS THIS ONE THINKING? WHY THE #$ WOULD I #( CHOCOBO HEAD?! IS THIS A BLOND THING?! CUZ IT AIN'T MY FAULT I'M A BLOND!"

Sierra did not emit a sound, fearing another forced read of some X-rated smut between Cid and Cloud this time. That was just WRONG.

"OH NO! CHOCOBO HEAD ISN'T #(&ING ENOUGH! I HAVE TO SCREW RUFUS TOO!"

Sanity was slowly slipping out of Sierra's mind.

"OH HO, SO IT'S ZACK THIS TIME, AIN'T IT?! NEVER MIND THAT ZACK WAS $(&#ING STRAIGHT, HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. THIS #$&ING (&#-(# $#!"

Sierra's mind was getting overloaded with sexual images of erectile male organs and boxers. For the quiet woman who was reserved, this was _more_ than too much. With a thud, she passed out as Cid ran his spear – no NOT THAN ONE, you pervert – through the computer screen. Sparks flew, wires fizzed, the computer electrocuted itself, and Cid felt immense satisfaction.

Then saw Sierra on the floor.

"AW ($&!" Cid began to swore again. "SIERRA! WAKE UP OR I'LL READ OUT THOSE $&#INGLY GROSS FICS!"

It worked miracle… Sierra's eyes snapped open, pupils dilated with horror.

A loud wail of "NOOOOOO!" echoed throughout Rocket Town, and disappeared in the wind.


End file.
